What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 00:32
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But, we were locked up after school.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot live in the past .
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I will be 64.
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He knew the spot.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Is love natural, or is it somehow created?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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I was very sick at this time too.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My life is so biszare .
She found it foreign!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So whats the point in blame.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So, i spoilt her more .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i lived it daily.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Put me off passion for life!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We all went to grammer schools
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I don,t even have a pension.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was 9 years of age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Would this be the day?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I waited trembling.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But it wasn’t much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She wouldn,t have been !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I have no regrets .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is soul school!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im still living with it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Who then, do I blame.?
When she asked me how she looked .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I said to her
She married twice! .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Comes on , in middle age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I write beautiful poetry .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My family never makes their pension either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!